I’m a huge perfectionist, and that’s part of why I created this blog. I’m hoping this momentum of releasing posts into the world will help me to feel less self-conscious when I share my work. I have lots of half-baked ideas but I never follow through, and that creates more and more guilt that piles on and on.
I am, at my core, scared. I’m scared of external judgment, and that snowballs into internal judgment. It turns out that even after all this time, I never got over my deep-seated desire to be someone who others think is cool. Note that phrasing: “someone who others think is cool.” I never factored in my own thinking—if I think I’m cool (or interesting or funny or clever or any of the things I want to be)—only how people perceive me.
All this does for me is create a spiral of shame. My work isn’t good enough, and therefore I’m not good enough. (I don’t even have time to unpack why it is that I constantly equate my worth to my work). And then the question hovers; why aren’t I good enough?
If I think it through, use my “wise mind” as my therapist would hope, this thinking makes no sense at all. My therapist once said to me, “if you think you’ll never be good enough, then why would try at all?” Why would I try so so hard a everything that I do? Why would I continue to work and push myself (too hard) and, and, and… everything if I’m rotten and bad and not good enough and never will be good enough?
I don’t have any answers. I don’t have an easy conclusion of, “oh I’ll just do XYZ and fix my problem.” My therapist says that we can learn to have self-esteem with time, and hope she’s right.