Sometimes, I get into moods where I feel like something is missing. All of a sudden, I can’t figure out what to watch on YouTube, none of the food in my kitchen sounds good to eat, and my mind is a jumbled and bored mess.
I’m in this feeling now. I think it might have to do with stress (I’m moving soon). I don’t feel grounded or mindful like my therapist wants me to be.
Everything Everywhere All at Once has been on my mind again. YouTube recommended me some interviews and behind-the-scenes-type videos which have felt suitable enough for my unsatisfiable brain. The amount of possible branches for my own life feels infinite, and it overwhelms me.
I want to create art that has meaning. The directors of Everything Everywhere (called Daniels) said that the movie was the culmination of their decade-long work experiences. This both calms and frightens me. I’m impatient for my life to feel like it’s starting—for my career to start, for me to finally feel like my body is truly my own, for me to figure out what the hell I want out of life. But my life has already begun, and it keeps on fucking going.
In Everything Everywhere, Wayman says, “Every rejection, every disappointment, has led you here. To this moment.” No matter how I feel, I am continuing to unfurl and I won’t ever be fully bloomed. I guess… I guess that’s okay. I think I can live with that.